04 May 2011

What We Should Have Done With Osama's Body

When I first heard about the burial at sea, I wasn't happy about it. I don't see why we should have to honor the Islamic requirement to have a burial within 24 hours, with the white sheet and all that crap. In what universe would such an evil man deserve such respect?

Personally, I would have liked to see the body tour the country, and invite the families of the victims to take turns pissing on it. Glenn Beck said we should wrap him in bacon, then put him in carbon freeze (like Han Solo) and make him part of the foundation for the Freedom Tower. However, I think that would be disrespectful to such a delicious food as bacon.

After hearing some of the reasoning for the burial at sea, my opinion softened up a bit. Muslims will never be able to find his grave and make it into some sort of shrine to make pilgrimages to; his body landed randomly on the sea floor, probably not facing Mecca; and of course he's going to be fish food, although pig food or dog food would have been even better. In any event, plenty of Muslims are pissed off about the sea burial, so that makes it a pretty good thing.

But here is what I REALLY would have liked to see:
  • First, use a classic English technique: Sever his limbs, and send them to the four corners of the country. In this case, probably Boston, Miami, San Diego, and Seattle.
  • Remove his head. Stuff some ham into the mouth, and then sew it shut. Remove his beard-o-pubes and save for later. Mount it on the spire of the Empire State Building, facing south-southwest towards the World Trade Center, and away from Mecca. Once the Freedom Tower is complete, adjust  the head a little bit so that it gazes upward at the 1776' spire.
  • Chop the genitals into very small pieces, enough to throw one into each cell in Club Gitmo.
  • Remove his internal organs. Dump them in a field near where United 93 crashed in Shanksville, Pennsylvania. Have video cameras recording continuously as they are eaten by vultures, and then by ants.
  • What remains now is his empty torso, from pelvis to collar bone. Mount this on a spike outside of the Pentagon, and then stick a pig's head in place of his old head. Glue the beard-o-pubes onto the pig.

You decide: Appropriate in a funny way? Appropriate in a solemn way? Innappropriate? Or am I simply disturbed? :)

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