27 April 2011

I am a prophet of Allah!


I should tell you that I have been conversing with Allah on a regular basis for several weeks now!

He says that Muhammad was actually the second-to-last prophet. I am the last, and he will soon be revealing more chapters of the Qur'an to me. I have absolutely no witnesses, nor proof of any kind; but neither did Muhammad! We do not require any proof, because this is the word of almighty Allah, and he says that I cannot be questioned (just like Muhammad)! Now that you have heard this glorious truth, Allah says that you must follow me, or face eternal hellfire!!!


You should also know that Allah says that I am special and that the normal rules that apply to everyone else do not apply to me! (i.e. He hath made it lawful for me.) Allah shall hasten in fulfilling my wishes and desires!

Thus, here is a partial list of special treatment that you are required to give me:
  • Allah will never converse with anyone else. All communication is to be done through me as the intercessor.
  • You will all obey my every whim, no matter how extreme or bizarre!
  • Anyone who questions me or criticizes me shall be executed immediately, especially if they question my paper-thin credibility.
  • We will be doing quite a bit of plundering of money and goods. (Don't worry, it's not stealing if it's from infidels.) You are hereby required to give me 20% of everything that you take.
  • Allah shall grant me the sexual stamina of 30 men! This means that I can do a whole lot more raping!
  • I get first pick of any women that we kidnap! They can be my wives or sex slaves, it doesn't matter.
  • If I think that your wife is hot, then Allah will tell me to tell you to divorce her so that I can marry her (even if you're my adopted son, and you're married to my first cousin).
  • The first one to sell me their pre-pubescent daughter shall be my successor!
  • I am so awesome that you should attempt to emulate me in every minor action!
  • After I croak, nobody is allowed to marry any of my many widows. I shall greedily possess my women even after death!


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